First, here's a list of lessons I've learned:
- Do not, by any means, trust anyone.
- Do not let your guard down.
I've always felt this way. But in the real world, this is fucking creed.
Let's do a math problem real quick, bare with me. We may be alone together, but alone, we are indeed. You cannot focus on one or the other, you must balance the two. Alone and together. Alone, together, is 1 + 1 = 2. Mutual independence, but with trust and understanding. Together, alone, is codependency. It is 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. It means that one without the other is incomplete, deficient, and vulnerable. Alone is one. A, lone, singular entity. 1. One is quite powerful. I don't want to be 1/2 of 1, I want to be 1 of 1 and 1 of 2. Does that make sense? 2 is beautiful because it's a prime number even though it's even because it is so small. 3 is cool, too, it just has to remain in motion to balance. All pieces must be in harmony or else it turns into 2 + 1, instead of 1 + 1 + 1. You feel me? Balance, is what I mean. A triangle cannot balance on all three sides, and a triangle that balances on only one point is extremely delicate. I'm talking about friendship, partnership, relationships, whatever you think is appropriate here. I'm talking about balance, communication, confidence, and trust. To trust one person is difficult, but to trust two at the same time, while they also trust each other and you? Blessings to that.
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| Untitled, Cheyenne Tobias. July, 2018. |
This is relevant because I've been feeling more like 3/5. Not 1/2, or even 3/4 and certainly not 2/3. I feel exactly 60% of a whole. I keep looking for people or things or opportunities to fill the other 40%, but I know that only time can do that. Clarity, Confidence, and Discernment. That's my 3. You see? 3 again, but this time I'm talking about an internal triangulation where these are my 3 points of focus. Read.
I made what many would consider a large life decision recently, and ever since I've been holding back. I've been making mistakes, feeling petty, insecure, and more full of uncertainty than before.
I feel oversaturated: everyone wants to give their two cents, but no one wants to truly get to know you. They may even want to understand you so they can use the parts of you that will work for them. "I like the way she operates, how can I learn and use who she is to make my own gains?" That's the entrepreneur mentality. I know because this is how I think. But we keep removing the personhood. I am looking to attract the kinds of people who see me, not understand. Understanding is so simple. You can read and understand, but never know. Experience and time on the other hand are simply irreplaceable. But it has to be pure. The time can't be forced, it will laugh at you and make you uncomfortable. (This is where I could really go on a tangent about how I believe time to be a feminine, non-linear property despite our very masculine, linear propagations through history. I'm trying to be better at this, but I like to keep the sidebars in because it's my fucking blog and I write what I want.)
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| The Ends, Cheyenne Tobias. 2018. |
Let me ask you a question. Do you feel whole? Do you ever? What makes you feel whole? It's not a rhetorical question, you can think about it. Because, the more I write, the longer I quarantine, the more I feel uneasy. Discomfort usually comes from realizing a hard truth. Whether this realization is conscious or unconscious makes it all the more confusing. Your spirit and body often know things your mind simply cannot comprehend. 3 again: mind, body, soul. Thus, why it's so hard to balance them. I can only seem to do 2 at a time, really, because the third can often be in contradiction with the other two...
In addition to the tension I feel internally, I feel alone. (Insert "you're not alone" blah blah, I know, I get it.) I say this because it's neutral fact, not meant to inspire nor discourage. I simply say this as a foundation on which I will build my personal life philosophy. To "grow up" is to realize that you are alone. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but there's still a lot I don't know. There's a bit of magic and love and sparkle to it, too. But, I'm from Brooklyn so you know how that goes. I saw a graphic text post by @thehoodwitch that really summed up what I'm going for in life so I'll leave it here:
Anyways, be safe. Stay home if you can. Sign this petition to freeze NY rent. Check in with loved ones. YKTV, I'm sure you've heard it all. Let's just breathe.... In.... Out....
In...
Out...
In...
Out.
Peace, love, blessings,
Chey
