I’m not going to lie, I’ve had very little motivation over the last few weeks. If it weren’t for some freelance work, I’d be even less motivated. I’ve had meetings every morning to get me up and going, but I often have a lull of time between 11:30 and 1:30 where my brain just seems like it shuts off. But in the past two weeks, my spirit has been more unsettled than usual, as I’ve learned more about myself while we’ve stayed home.
Every successful person I’ve watched or looked up to has said that the key to success is consistency. If I’m being honest, I’ve always had a really hard time being consistent. I don’t have a consistent personality. In fact.... I’m really hot and cold. I feel, dress, and act differently every day. I like writing, singing, making art, beauty, fitness, health, fashion, media, design, events, social justice.... I could go on... I’ve always been decent enough at everything I’ve tried that I had little incentive to master one thing.
Now that I act almost completely of my own accord, I feel overwhelmed. To be young and ambitious is scary. Especially if you are good at multiple things. I always feel like I have options. In fact, I set it up that way. I stayed involved with a little of everything that interested me, hoping that it would make me a more versatile asset on whatever path I chose to embark on. However, as I use this time to really try and find my sense of focus, I realized that the answers I seek might literally be... in my hands.
Fascinated by the intersection of art and technology, I was an avid Sims player, building complex homes in various styles and Sims of all different phenotypes, but I never liked playing out the lives of the Sims. I’d get bored. Why live a simulated, digital life, when I could live a real one? Now as an adult, I see why grown people like playing these games. It’s an escape.
My mother likes to brag that I could make anything in the Paint app that came on every Windows PC. I spent hours and hours of my time online throughout my childhood. I loved the online dress-up games and chat rooms. I played Zwinky and IMVU. I probably watched every Jenna Marbles video pre-2014. I was on MySpace briefly, but was too young for that wave. Then I was on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Blogspot, SoundCloud, you name it. I even had a Disney profile. I love the internet. I love exploring all the stuff people put on the internet. I like putting stuff on the internet.
So... now that there are so many folks who are so opposed to “putting your business online,” I’ve grown insecure about my desire to do just that. But I’ve been doing it my whole life. I want to live and share, learn and think, make and sell. I’m just really scared to commit. I’m scared to commit to one thing forever. I know that’s not how this works - people change careers all the time.
Monotony scares the shit out of me. I’ve never been great at repetition without the motivation of structure. In many respects I feel that it’s past time for me to grow up. To boss up. To get up in the morning for myself. Work for myself. Love myself. Truly. I think it’s so much easier said than done. I cannot continue to maintain this mentality of a “free spirit.” I’ve gotten so wrapped up in trying to identify with these conventions of who I’m “supposed to be” that I ignored what might actually be best for me.
My goal for myself is to make decisions and never look back. I can say this: even though I may not be moving at the speed I hoped to, I do feel myself getting closer....
So this is just an update. On my mental. I hope you find this...helpful? Relatable? Thanks for growing with me 💖
Love,
Chey
